Have you ever wondered what makes wonderful relationships?
I mean those relationships that are not affected by dwindling financial resources, those relationships in which after a bitter argument, the partners hug each, kiss and hold hand again immediately.
For some time now, I have been putting together factors that create those relationships and found three key ones that I present here.
1. Do not expect anything
Partners in sincere and strong relationships do not expect anything from their other partner. They are not in the relationship as parasites. They are not looking up to their partner to provide. They are not in the relationship for security or financial gain. Instead, they are in the relationship as team players.
You hear the following statements from partners who are parasites in a relationship.
-He never calls ………………………………..(The woman expecting a male partner to make phone call every second of the hour)
-She does not know how to cook ……….. (The man expecting the woman to be the greatest cook on the planet)
-She dresses like a old woman…………….(The man expecting the woman to dress seductively)
-He does not look like so and so………(Woman expecting the fella to behave and look like a certain character she admires)
Do you use any of the above statements?
Have you ever wondered why paternal relationship flourishes in thin and thick. In paternal relationships, the parents do not expect anything in return from their children. Instead parents just give and give wholeheartedly.
However, since sons and daughters expect favours/love and financial support from their parents, they complain about their parents. You hear children saying, I hate Dad or mum, he/she is a miser (if the son/daughter expects parents to dish out cash). My Dad is not loving (if the son/daughter expects security and love).
The true partners in paternal relationships are the parents. They do not expect anything.
To create that enviable relationship, stop expecting anything instead give, give, give. This brings us to the next point.
2. Give, give, give, give, give
The second key requirement to ensure your relationship is strong, fulfilling and enjoyable; give without expecting being paid-back. This is contrary to popular culture of tit for tat. World is nurturing a bad culture of; give while expecting to be given in return. This culture is killing every fabric of a relationship.
Think of it, people have to write names on wedding gifts and Christmas gifts so that the receiver knows who gave in order to reciprocate. I do not like or support this!.
Such mentality of ‘I did this for you, so you must do this for me‘ should not be dragged into relationships. But many are unable to avoid such mentality creeping into their relationships. They think because everybody is doing it, it it is noble.
Even in churches nowadays, some preachers preach that you have to give for you to receive a blessing! utter nonsense!
Never buy a gift for your partner expecting him/her to reciprocate. The expectation of pay-back is a sign that you are in the relationship for gains. I can sense some struggle in your heart as you read this. You might be thinking, why give if he/she will not give back. Fine, you are at liberty to think this way, but do not complain when your relationship crumbles!
Solution: Give if you can, but never expect anything back. Giving, should not only be limited to be material things, give your time, give a listening ear, give encouragement, give advice, give a helping hand etc.
3. Accept what is
The media is affecting how we see things in a big way. When I am talking about the media, I refer to Television, newspapers, internet and live presentations like music gigs and public gathering like preaching, motivational seminars etc.
One very clear thing in the media is that; dressing, make-up, body figure and size has to be ‘RIGHT’.
Media personalities have to be attractive and alluring. This sends the wrong message to our brains. We are unconsciously conditioned to think that our partners should be like those movie characters, certain preachers (are you thinking of TD Jakes, Margaret Wanjiru or Joyce Meyer), certain motivational speaker or certain radio presenter. You are in for a shocker.
Those public faces are paid to look like that, those magazine images are retouched! no real person can have those smooth curves. Therefore do not expect to see them in your partner. If she is blessed with a great figure, thank God. If she is not ‘accept what is’, appreciate her, love her and enjoy life.
Your fella will not be Will Smith, Tiger Woods or Obama! girls, I am talking to you. It is good to imagine and wish, but do not allow imagination and wishful thinking to creep into your real life.
I have seen even politicians and church preachers go out of their way to dress to impress and some use make-up to look young and without blemish. Their followers copy them instead of accepting themselves the way they are.
Some men are stretching the God’s creation by asking their women to boost the size of their burst by plastic surgery.
Women are not exceptional, they are demanding their guys to be Schwarzenegger (tall, dark muscular, deep voice etc) so men are dying in the gym. Gym is good for physical fitness, but do not expect to be Schwarzenegger. Be yourself!
Most people are doing these things subconsciously without realising they are dancing to the tunes of media.
It is important to understand that I do not condone poor grooming, shabby character, mediocrity or bad behaviour. These are bad habits that can be changed and should not be accepted or condoned.
‘Accept what is’-Similar to the way a parent accepts a child regardless of physical beauty, appearance and level of intelligence, accept your partner the way they are and you will have a great time.
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Amazing piece.. I feel that many rlationpships r failing bcoz of the xpectations people have of their partners.. N they dont communicate their nids/wants 2 their significant other..
i love it ,keep up!!!!!!!!!!
wht an advice.so informative.thanx for the piece of advice.
@Joyce, apologies, I assumed you are on my mailing list so you get it in your inbox. I have realised it was a big oversight, next time I will not repeat it.
@ Elda, I do not want to dilute what you have already said. It starts with 'ME' attitude is great. But how many are willing to do that?Sure Pride is a killer!
@Doreen, Thanks@Grace, You are welcome@Chelsea, you are welcome@Fridah, It is great to have you around
Where is the tag? Great lessons Josh. Am actually sending a txt to a pal now.
Thanks alot Josh. This has really challenged me. Reading some of these comments shows how some of us think the 'other' person is the one with the problem. I think one other thing that affects most relationships is pride. We never want to admit our mistakes. Everyone wants/thinks they r the right/better partners. I think its good to look at ourselves frequently and deal with our weaknesses. I like the Slogan on the fight against HIV/AIDS(mending the ribbon) that says ' It begins with you' . I think the same applies to relationships… Its begins with you.
that great joshua thanks alot
thankx alot 4 da tag Joshua i love them.kip it up dear
Thanx 4 tagging me.
U guys want do u want 2 imply here? That men relinquish their respnsibilities as heads of the families jus coz we r in th 22nd century! Ths 1 of the most rediculous thng av read in a milion reads, dont u pple know tht the more thngs change th mo thy remain th same! Ok thn Josh let ua wife b th head of ua family n 4 sure u wil bcome the specimen of study in th 23rd century! As 4 mi, am th head of my family n my wife n son know it, appreciate it n bet thy r happy. Am out of th debate asap.
Wah! Thats so true n enlightening, relationships which are straight zero on true n selfish love, much 4givenes, understanding n Gods grace….woow
thanx 4 advice joshua….
@Mbaya, since I am moving forward to 22nd century, I do not want to turn a rock of salt like the wife of Lot, I am not looking back.@Lenah, Change has never been easy or quick, ask Mandela, 27 years is more than your total age! Change comes in piece meal.Women are not excused here, they have very low self-esteem due to cultural upbringing, they view men as gods. Men know how to capitalise on that naivety. Women need to raise to occasion, not by being arrogant, unruly or pushy, but through, acquiring broad knowledge, dialogue and change of thinking.
Haki joshua ope they r reading but i bet they can neva change.like kennedy here is representing them and hear what he has just said!
Hey Josh don get caried away here, bout superiority/seniourity, hapo i gues som1 jus shud b above par. Try n chop deeper jus deeper bout th traditinal Meru way of galvanising a poligamous marriage where there was no animosity btwn th difrnt broods, thn u can give an insight on it in relation 2 who shud b superior 2 who n may b as 2 what limits if any may b. As 4 mi, a man shud b superior regardles n th kids shud b made 2 understand this n c it 2. Welcome.
@ Lenah, give me his detailsIf male/female feels superior, read that again 'feels superior' ego is in play and there no relationship, it is a dictatorial system-commander and the commanded.Age, qualification, gender, tribe and economic status are supplementary to human dignity. For that matter, in a relationship, they should not count. Partners need to raise above the board and not allow ego and superiority or inferiority complexes dictate their relationship. Are Meru men reading this!
this is great, i feel touched. thanx 4 the advice.
By the way,it happens that in a relashionship a patner feel superior than the other,ie they r both teachers or medical personel and in most cases the male patner is old and experienced n may be sharp than the female partner maybe,then he
I wish u tagged him for me.thanks alot.
@ Carol, I post it on your wall, I am sorry, I have already tagged the maximum number of people allowed by facebook (20 tags). I post it on your wall which is the same as tagging.
@Loise, Thanks and welcome
oh, Mbaya, you have raised a pertinent issue. It is becoming exceedingly evident that as wives are no longer home makers (house wives) but equally qualified in career, a power struggle is emerging. There is competition who gets more degrees (I have 4 now) and who buys bigger car- Competition. Who pins the other one down in front of friends arghhhhh- Naive partners.I agree in accommodating divergent views, however, if partners are limited in knowledge and understanding, tolerance has no room. Ask a old Merian if they can marry a Luo and you will understand what I mean. To really appreciate differences, there is need to expand our knowledge and understanding of many social, cultural and economic issues by reading widely, interacting, traveling etc.
Tag me pls
Man thts wonderful, i have 2 request u also 2 thnk bout th need 4 partners in a rship 2 strive 2 make each other hapy without rely competing, like th kids try 2 impres their parents like in school work jus 2 make th old foks proud. I also fil tht patners shud try 2 acomodate th divergent views of each other n make th best out of it, as in i wil grow n let grow. Ths wonderful man.
Great enlightener indeed …. hanx
Love it!