Kamau is a real Gentleman. He is for sure very gentle. From his talk, smile, mannerisms, actions you may mistake him for a woman. He is mature and well meaning man though. He helped Njeri from the last episode to avoid punishing herself (if you didnot have a chance to read it, it is a must-read article, read it by clicking this link Njeri Decides to punish herself).
However, Kamau has his own struggles.
After being dumped by Atieno, Kamau fell in love with Lucy, a high flier MBA holder with whom they got married.
Lucy is a very humble, non assuming, tall, beautiful and loving lady. Lucy grew up with her mother who taught her all the wisdom and discipline she boasts of now. At early age, she was taught that boys are bad. ‘As boys grow older they become beasts’, those were the real words of her mother.
Therefore, she was supposed to fear them, obey them, submit to them, give in and only say yes. No, is never an answer. Another thing she was taught was that, a husband is the key decision maker at home. Husbands should be decisive, firm, strong and the main bread winner.
Coincidentally, Kamau also grew up with his mother. His father worked in a factory in town. Kamau’s father came home once or twice a month. This left a big room for his wife to steer the family in the village. Although Kamau had two other older brothers, they lived with the father in town. Since Kamau was the youngest, he stayed at home with the mother.
Kamau’s mother undertook most of the family’s responsibility. She dubbed as a mother as well as a father. She made the key decisions like which school should Kamau attend. She is the one who attended most of the school meetings. Whenever they went out with Kamau, she settled all hotel bills. She is the one who paid all bills at home. If there was anything broken at home, she had to look for the person to repair it.
Kamau’s mother influenced the way he thought and lived. She influenced the religion Kamau followed. She influenced which kind of friends Kamau had. She simply influenced all habits in Kamau. She had a say on the girls Kamau brought home. Kamau had no chance to visit other families and see how they lived. He thought his mother’s way of life was the supreme. It was ingrained in Kamau’s mind that all wives should behave like her mother.
Kamau is now a grown-up and married man. He expects Lucy, his newly wed wife to behave exactly like his mother.
Kamau expects Lucy to decide which restaurant they should visit. He expects her to initiate a kiss. He expects her to start discussion topics at dinner table. He expects her to settle hotel bills as his mother used to do.His expectations are endless. Simply, she should be anything and everything.
On the other hand, Lucy is expecting Kamau to be have like a real man. A real man according to her mother’s laws should be decisive, he should initiate anything to do with love. He should decide on a date, he should be the one to settle bills in a restaurant.He should be the one to pay bills at home. He should do what respected men do; push and pull everything on their way.
When I met Kamau and Lucy, there was a real conflict in their relationship. Kamau could not understand his wife. He thought she was weak, slow in decision making, naïve, local, uneducated, unsophisticated, primitive and non-modern.
On the other hand, Lucy thought Kamau is a big boy with a beard. She felt Kamau was just a toddler in trousers rather than in pampers. She regretted marrying to such a unmanly fellow.
Who do you think is wrong among them and how should they handle their relationship? Please, leave your answers as comments below.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I believe in 3 things in life, to be always followed
1 Never assume any thing
2Never expect anything
3Never compare
In this case the 1st and 2nd points should be applied to solve the communication gap. Once they get to know each others expectation, will eventually understand each others point of view.
Thanks Shantesh, Those three mantras that you have are great, I like them. I know it is never easy for such people. They have lived all their childhood thinking in certain patterns and believing certain things. It is usually to change thinking patterns all over a sudden. But with time it is doable.
Fungua roho yako… ongea. Easier said than done. It might take a few fights for them to realize that none can change the other.
I like it. They need to open up.Sure, it is easier said than done. It is next to impossible to change another person.
..if i got the story ryt..the issue myt be more than communicating. Lack of comm'n is JUST a symptom of their ailment…they need to address the real cause of the problem. They both have fundamental differences/expectations … even if they communicate- Kamau/lucy myt listen but still stay put in watever s/he beleives….
A good comment Bes, I agree that they have fundamental differences and expectations.
I think they need to understand each others character since they are married and its now hard to change their mind.
Thanks Ann, you have a brought in a new perspective ‘married and its now hard to change their mind’.
Many times we think we are right and then we are proved wrong, this is not a case of who is right or wrong , but a point of compromise must be reached by both of them and a solution fund on the way forward.this is best through dialogue.
Thanks Frank, you are saying dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. Good man.
Rejection is direction.
I am not sure I understand what you mean Ann. If possible, explain slightly more what you mean.
I wanted to comment on the article Njeri decides to punish herself please.
communication is vital here coz they al have expectations which are unrealistic due to the unknown. If they cant talk to each other it will b better they open up to a third party who is mature enough to pick out the core.its not an easy journey but they have to b willin to walk together.
Thanks Sue for bringing up the idea of a mature third party. I am not a believer of a third party, but I am sure it is a good way to clean up the weed for some people.
Communication is their only way out. They should be open and each of them should clearly state their expectations out of their marriage. After that they should decide on who should do what and they will find that things were not that hard.
Thanks Eutychus, I like the idea that they should decide who does what instead of assuming and expecting what the other one should do.
Exactly Joshua.
Thanks all. 5 out of 6 comments so far suggest that communication should be the way forward. I have heard many couples whining about the weakness of their partners but they have never faced them face to face to discuss issues at stake. It is time to style up.
The blame goes to lack of communication. They need to have a heart to heart talk!
I blame communication barrier, we don't choose where to be born but we choose to open up and share our experiences, pick what is dimmed good for both parties and we start a new experience. Share, talk and learn to speak out to the one u love.
Communication is a very vital requirement in any institution,let them teach each other the way they want to be pleased. God has taught us without faith we can't please Him,our back grounds should never dictate our future, everything is liable to change.
Here,th background upbringing messd it all.i thnk they ought 2 discuss n come up wit a consent.
I thnk no 1 is wrong here. Kamau is acting as he should as per his upbringing likewise th wife. 2 salvage their relationship i think that both should talk ova n understand their backgrounds, in these way they should b able 2 apreciate each other.
actually the blame in this scenarior may not end one thing and some of causes in many relationship are based on background absent of kamau father contributed much on kamau not k nowing his roles in family and as man