Njeri Decides to Punish herself

Njeri and Kamau were great friends.

It was on Valentine’s day. Njeri had anxiously been waiting for this day. As part of her preparation for the lover’s day, she had bought a knee level,  red, killer mini-skirt with a matching top. The top had a V neck which seductively exposed part of her valuable assets. When she fitted the skirt with the figure hugging top, she resembled catwalk models.

All this was in preparation to meet Omollo, her two year boy friend. Their relationship had weathered storms, they were now in advanced stages of planning for a wedding later in the year.

On the other side of town, Kamau was relishing meeting Atieno, his fiancee. They had been dating with for six months. Atieno was not your average girl, she came from a rich family and worked for a big bank. She had money, compared to her age mates, she was wealthy. Above all, she treated Kamau as if she was his mother; pampering and showering him with gifts and undying love. She had recently bought him the latest BMW which was in her name. Kamau’s parents had recommended Atieno as his future wife.  Kamau himself confessed to his friends that, Atieno was an exceptional lover. He was over the top with her.

On the eve of Valentine’s day, Atieno was invited by a friend to a overnight prayer session popularly known as Kesha. Atieno was never serious in her Christianity, although she was very religious. She always argued that going to church was enough. As a formality, she made a quick short prayer before meal and going to bed.

Anyway, she agreed with her friend to attend the kesha provided she was to leave before  midnight. She decided to use Kamau’s BMW.

Njeri was to meet Omollo in a an exclusive Italian restaurant in town. She had booked a private suite. To secure the suite, she had reserved it six months in advance. She arrived half an hour early. She left her credit card details at the hotel cashier to avoid the indignity of settling bills after the party. So only their receipts were to be mailed to her home address. She organised everything to the finest details to ensure the night was a night to remember, full of fun and fun alone. No worrying of simple things like stupid bills.

The suite was well designed. The lighting was really flattering, scented candles in specific corners on the wall. She sat with her bouquet of red roses waiting lovingly for Omollo. She thought that it was wise not to call him. The waiting seemed like ages, time was dragging. Thirty minutes seemed like eternity. Eventually it was the agreed time. There was no sign of Omollo. This was not abnormal, Omollo never kept time since they started dating. But, he always called to keep her updated. This time he was not calling or sending text messages. Njeri decided, well, it is high time she called Omollo. She reached to her phone, scrolled the phone book and located Omollo’s number. Instead of hearing a dial tone on the other end, it went to a voice mail. Her body became cold. Unimaginable thoughts started dashing in her small head. Before she could gather courage to redial, her phone vibrated. She punched keys to see the message. The message was just three words  in capital letters and to the point. From J. Omollo-IT IS OVER.

Njeri could not believe what she was reading. She was in a private suite, there was no one even to talk to. She opened face book application in her phone, she logged in. On her wall she saw Omollo’s status. Omollo had changed his relationship status to single. Omollo’s update had 666 comments. Njeri could not help, but started crying.

Kamau on the other side received a text message from Atieno. The text read as follows: ‘Dear Kamau, Happy valentino. When I attended the Kesha, I got saved. I prefer that we remain friends with no strings attached. I am sorry, I will not join you today since you are not saved. God bless you’. This was a real shocker to Kamau. He could not believe Atieno could do this to him.  At first, he thought it was a friend making jokes using Atieno’s phone. He called Atieno. True to her word, she stood her ground.

Kamau took the text message with a lot of bitterness. Kamau decided, well, in life, when one door closes, another one opens. But he kept wondering, will he ever get a rich, loving, gorgeous and caring lover like Atieno?.

Instead of getting worried, moody and feeling pity and sorry for himself, he comforted himself with an old adage ‘beautiful and rich ones are not yet born’. Kamau opted not to go on a binge drinking as many would do. Instead, he sat pensively in his flat. After 20 minutes of thinking, he reached to his bookshelf. He picked ‘Loving what is’ by Byron Katie. He immersed himself in it, he got engrossed in it, it was interesting as well as moving, he identified with what the author had written.

It was at the ungodly hours of morning, exactly 3.15 am when he rose from his couch. All this time he was reading a book that had been lying idle on the shelf for five months. It inspired him, gave him hope, gave him direction. He decided to accept the decision of Atieno as it was. He took it with open heart and believed better things will happen in future.

Njeri handled the break-up differently from Kamau. She felt betrayed by Omollo. She felt let down. She felt not valued.  She became resentful. She was withdrawn. She felt sorry for herself. She viewed their break-up as her fault.

One bad thought led to another, to the extent that she lost appetite, she stopped eating. She started  to loose weight. She started to procrastinate  her assignments. Her dressing mode changed from neat to shabby. Her hair was no longer maintained. She started to look older than her true age. Her boss warned her that, if she did not mend her ways, she will lose her job.

Njeri and Kamau’s friendship had spanned decades. They shared many things in common. They grew up in the same village, attending same Sunday school. They joined the same school but parted ways for high school. As fate would have it they joined the same company after college.

Njeri and Kamau always talked in length, gossiping and sometimes sharing their life experiences. Kamau had noticed Njeri was becoming withdrawn lately. Her demeanor was changing from a lively, well  groomed diva to a shabby old looking village girl.

One day, during lunch break, Kamau gathered courage and asked Njeri what was eating her up. Njeri was at first reluctant to open up. But as they continued talking, she explained to Kamau how they broke up with Omollo. All this time, Njeri was not aware that Kamau and Atieno were no longer together.

It was Kamau’s turn. Kamau narrated how Atieno got saved and decided to leave him. Kamau explained their break-up without feeling bitterness or guilty. He maintained his calm, talked objectively without maligning Atieno. All the time he talked positively about Atieno. Njeri was surprised, she asked, ‘Were you not offended by Atieno?’ Kamau responded smiling, I got mad for a few minutes but realised there was no need to punish myself. Do not take poison expecting the other person to die. ‘Events’ in life are like public buses, if you miss one, you will catch another one anyway. Njeri felt that Kamau was too casual. She felt Kamau didnot take life so seriously. She did not like the way Kamau seemed unresentful for their break-up.

But she felt something peculiar in Kamau’s words; he conveyed peace that surpassed her understanding. He was flowing with life. He was not disturbing himself with negative thoughts and words.

As they talked, Njeri’s mind started wandering. She was no longer listening to Kamau. Her mind started telling her, ‘you decided to punish yourself’. Her heart was telling her something completely different. She could sense a tag of war between her feelings and her heart. Her mind felt it was her right to feel betrayed and despised by Omollo. But her heart was insisting on four clear things;  forgive Omollo, do not punish yourself, get on with life, be happy.

When Njeri came to her senses, she heard Kamau saying ‘do not punish yourself’ ‘do not take poison expecting Omollo to die’

It was five minutes to 2 pm. It was time for them to get back to office.

From that day, Njeri learnt not to punish herself. She started to have a different approach to life. She stopped taking life personally. She stopped taking criticism with bitterness. She started viewing her predicaments as stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks. She started to live like a free bird, enjoying every sunny and rainy day. She stopped complaining even if things were bad. She became a proactive genius.

Her mood started to improve. She started to look healthy. She started enjoying her food again. She could take time to prepare her meals in a decent way. She ate them slowly enjoying every bite. She took time in the morning to meditate and pray. She started looking younger and beautiful again. She started making new friends.

Men started being attracted to her again.

Her office work started to improve. She finished her daily assignments in time. One day, her boss called her into his office. Njeri was nervous but it turned out that she was lined up for promotion with a double salary.

During the night of the end of the year party, Njeri met a man of her dreams.

After the party she went to her apartment and printed many posters reading ‘DO NOT PUNISH YOURSELF‘. She pinned one next to her bed, another one on her bathroom mirror, another one on the fridge door and the rest in every room. She went ahead and put the same message as screen saver on her phone and computer.

As she was doing this, she wondered, could her friends also be punishing themselves?

She felt compassion and she was compelled to help them. So she put a big poster on her office desk and apartment window reading ‘Are you punishing yourself ?

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